RubySoho
Winston
At Long Last, the Awful Shock I've Been Waiting For
April 7th 2008 22:21
I suppose if you know something bad is coming, it's not a shock at all. A mild surprise, perhaps, but barely even that. So it is with my friend Alex. It has been years since I had contact with him, contact that I cut off when it became apparent that he would continue to refuse all help and be consumed by his addictions. Some of my friends back home have seen him once or twice, but only fleetingly, and the meetings were strained and strange. He pulled away, and we let him go.
Alex is perhaps one of the brightest, funniest people I have ever known. From the first time I met him in high school, I always considered him hilarious. And I don't mean that in a generic sense. He is funny. Talented, performer-type funny. It could have been his, I think. Really, the whole fame package might have been his with a little work and luck. He had a job at NBC which provided him some solid contacts. He had the support of his family and friends (including me, who was rooming with him in NYC at the time). And most of all he had raw talent.
Unfortunately, he also had pitifully little confidence, a lack of independence and responsibility, and a serious, ever-growing problem with alcohol. As kids we never really appreciated how much of a problem it was. He was just crazy Alex, drunk and funny as usual. Except, as we all got older, it started getting a bit less funny. By the time I was rooming with him, it wasn't all that amusing when he came stumbling home at 4 a.m., barely able to stand. When you're a little guy, as he is, riding the NYC subways plastered in the middle of the night is a quick way to get your ass beaten to a pulp. He dodged that bullet, somehow, but I spent a lot of evenings wondering if he was bleeding on a train platform somewhere.
I tried helping him. I didn't bring any alcohol into the apartment (and I enjoy an after dinner cocktail or two myself, so that was a bit of a sacrifice). I talked to him about it, secured apologies and promises from him. I'll let you guess what those amounted to. By the time a year was about up, I couldn't take it any longer. If he wasn't back home in Massachusetts letting his parents buy/do everything for him, he was out drunk with his friends in the city. If he wasn't out drunk, he was home drunk, singing his favorite songs in our tiny apartment at the top of his beer-soaked lungs. It was no longer bearable for me, so I got an apartment with another close friend of mine and reclaimed a little bit of peace and quiet (as much as possible in the Bronx, anyway).
From there on we hung out semi-regularly. Moving seemed to help my tolerance level, as I didn't have to see him in his lower states. At this point he had a solid job at NBC as an assistant to one of the execs there. A very solid job for a 22 year old kid to have, I might add, with lots of potential. And he quit. One day he tells me he's quitting, that he's not happy, that he's moving back home. I was incredulous. Back home? But everything you want is here, why go back home? I didn't really get it then, but I do now. Alex was crushed by loneliness and insecurity. The city was simply too much for him to deal with (despite how much he loved it) and he fled back to home and safety. He returned back to where he could be a big, funny fish in a tiny pond again.
But the booze already had the hooks in deep, and things weren't the same. People were growing up, and his antics from a few years back had lost their charm. The pathetic reality was plain to see. Alex got a job at our old high school as a history teacher, all the while withdrawing from our group of friends and slipping deeper into his hazy shell. Last I knew, he lost that job a while back. There are a couple rumors as to why. None of them may be true, or possibly they all are a bit true. It doesn't matter, really. Point being, he continued his downward slide to the bottom. This past Friday night I think he finally hit it, with a resounding thud.
We learned on Saturday that Alex had failed to make a turn, hopped the curb and struck a 21-year-old pedestrian. Put him in the ICU. Alex, on the other hand, was completely unharmed. When the police arrived he was charged with "operating under the influence of alcohol causing serious personal injury" and released on personal recognizance. Now he faces charges in court, maybe even jail time. If the kid he hit takes a turn for the worst, Alex will have problems he never even dreamed of.
I, on the other hand, have unfortunately dreamed of Alex having this type of problem for a long time. My wife and I have said for years that eventually we would get a call informing us that he had either killed himself or killed someone else. Well, we were off on that, but only just. For all intents and purposes that gloomy prediction has come to pass. And now what will happen?
Will people blame his "disease" of alcoholism? Will he again manage to shirk responsibility because he "couldn't help himself"? If so, that will be a grievous injustice to the victim and to Alex himself. There is no running from this. There is no running from what has become of him. There is no disease to magically absolve him of guilt. AIDS, cancer, multiple sclerosis, schizophrenia....those are diseases. Those are afflictions that come upon people and alter and destroy their lives. Not one person has ever been cured of those diseases by counseling and a 12-Step Program. No one can choose not to have Parkinsons. Calling drunkenness a disease cheapens the experience of people who are truly suffering through sickness. Worst of all, it creates the illusion of removing responsibility from the person at fault.
Let's say that somehow, improbably, Alex comes through this and changes his tune. He gets sober, stays sober, lives a clean life from here on out. I don't know how to react to that. Help was offered long ago, by many people, and refused. He made his choice. If it is only by running his life into the ground that he is forced to make a change, is that a genuine change? Can I respect him for bettering himself only after he nearly kills someone? I don't know how to answer that. Responsibility is important to me. Sometimes people need help to overcome obstacles, but they must at least accept the reality of needing help. They must own their problems and admit them, and be willing to work to correct them. Absent those things, it is difficult for me to respect someone or pity their troubles. It is that way with Alex. I do pity him, and I feel sadness for what he could have been. But respect? No, I doubt I will ever feel that again where he is concerned.
Those are all questions and concerns for another day. For now it remains to be seen how the victim fares and what the courts have in store for Alex. A day long anticipated has come to pass, bad news foreordained. Oftentimes there is no pleasure in being right.
Alex is perhaps one of the brightest, funniest people I have ever known. From the first time I met him in high school, I always considered him hilarious. And I don't mean that in a generic sense. He is funny. Talented, performer-type funny. It could have been his, I think. Really, the whole fame package might have been his with a little work and luck. He had a job at NBC which provided him some solid contacts. He had the support of his family and friends (including me, who was rooming with him in NYC at the time). And most of all he had raw talent.
Unfortunately, he also had pitifully little confidence, a lack of independence and responsibility, and a serious, ever-growing problem with alcohol. As kids we never really appreciated how much of a problem it was. He was just crazy Alex, drunk and funny as usual. Except, as we all got older, it started getting a bit less funny. By the time I was rooming with him, it wasn't all that amusing when he came stumbling home at 4 a.m., barely able to stand. When you're a little guy, as he is, riding the NYC subways plastered in the middle of the night is a quick way to get your ass beaten to a pulp. He dodged that bullet, somehow, but I spent a lot of evenings wondering if he was bleeding on a train platform somewhere.
I tried helping him. I didn't bring any alcohol into the apartment (and I enjoy an after dinner cocktail or two myself, so that was a bit of a sacrifice). I talked to him about it, secured apologies and promises from him. I'll let you guess what those amounted to. By the time a year was about up, I couldn't take it any longer. If he wasn't back home in Massachusetts letting his parents buy/do everything for him, he was out drunk with his friends in the city. If he wasn't out drunk, he was home drunk, singing his favorite songs in our tiny apartment at the top of his beer-soaked lungs. It was no longer bearable for me, so I got an apartment with another close friend of mine and reclaimed a little bit of peace and quiet (as much as possible in the Bronx, anyway).
From there on we hung out semi-regularly. Moving seemed to help my tolerance level, as I didn't have to see him in his lower states. At this point he had a solid job at NBC as an assistant to one of the execs there. A very solid job for a 22 year old kid to have, I might add, with lots of potential. And he quit. One day he tells me he's quitting, that he's not happy, that he's moving back home. I was incredulous. Back home? But everything you want is here, why go back home? I didn't really get it then, but I do now. Alex was crushed by loneliness and insecurity. The city was simply too much for him to deal with (despite how much he loved it) and he fled back to home and safety. He returned back to where he could be a big, funny fish in a tiny pond again.
But the booze already had the hooks in deep, and things weren't the same. People were growing up, and his antics from a few years back had lost their charm. The pathetic reality was plain to see. Alex got a job at our old high school as a history teacher, all the while withdrawing from our group of friends and slipping deeper into his hazy shell. Last I knew, he lost that job a while back. There are a couple rumors as to why. None of them may be true, or possibly they all are a bit true. It doesn't matter, really. Point being, he continued his downward slide to the bottom. This past Friday night I think he finally hit it, with a resounding thud.
We learned on Saturday that Alex had failed to make a turn, hopped the curb and struck a 21-year-old pedestrian. Put him in the ICU. Alex, on the other hand, was completely unharmed. When the police arrived he was charged with "operating under the influence of alcohol causing serious personal injury" and released on personal recognizance. Now he faces charges in court, maybe even jail time. If the kid he hit takes a turn for the worst, Alex will have problems he never even dreamed of.
I, on the other hand, have unfortunately dreamed of Alex having this type of problem for a long time. My wife and I have said for years that eventually we would get a call informing us that he had either killed himself or killed someone else. Well, we were off on that, but only just. For all intents and purposes that gloomy prediction has come to pass. And now what will happen?
Will people blame his "disease" of alcoholism? Will he again manage to shirk responsibility because he "couldn't help himself"? If so, that will be a grievous injustice to the victim and to Alex himself. There is no running from this. There is no running from what has become of him. There is no disease to magically absolve him of guilt. AIDS, cancer, multiple sclerosis, schizophrenia....those are diseases. Those are afflictions that come upon people and alter and destroy their lives. Not one person has ever been cured of those diseases by counseling and a 12-Step Program. No one can choose not to have Parkinsons. Calling drunkenness a disease cheapens the experience of people who are truly suffering through sickness. Worst of all, it creates the illusion of removing responsibility from the person at fault.
Let's say that somehow, improbably, Alex comes through this and changes his tune. He gets sober, stays sober, lives a clean life from here on out. I don't know how to react to that. Help was offered long ago, by many people, and refused. He made his choice. If it is only by running his life into the ground that he is forced to make a change, is that a genuine change? Can I respect him for bettering himself only after he nearly kills someone? I don't know how to answer that. Responsibility is important to me. Sometimes people need help to overcome obstacles, but they must at least accept the reality of needing help. They must own their problems and admit them, and be willing to work to correct them. Absent those things, it is difficult for me to respect someone or pity their troubles. It is that way with Alex. I do pity him, and I feel sadness for what he could have been. But respect? No, I doubt I will ever feel that again where he is concerned.
Those are all questions and concerns for another day. For now it remains to be seen how the victim fares and what the courts have in store for Alex. A day long anticipated has come to pass, bad news foreordained. Oftentimes there is no pleasure in being right.
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Comment by Pandora-Racket
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
Thanks for the feedback
Comment by RubySoho
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Thought Zone
I too have seen how drugs can turn a funny, intelligent, likeable young man and turn him into a selfish, angry, insensitive stranger. That young man is no longer with us and though it was a long time ago I still wonder if we couldn't perhaps done a little more for him.
I know it's hard for you to feel sympathy for him because it's just been such a long time coming but I fear your friend needs you more than ever. He is still alive and its not too late for him.
Whatever happens to that young man he hit, Alex will have to live with that for the rest of his life.
Comment by katyzzz
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The occasional Christmas card, email etc would not go astray, he is at the end of the day a frail human being like the rest of us, and sorry about the reference to religion but "there but for the grace of God go I" is well kept in mind.
Comment by Kleonaptra
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Comment by Louie
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Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
I am a recovering alcoholic addict, of nearly 15 years sobriety.
The 'disease' concept is used as a rather clever psychological assistance, to my mind, for the suffering addict/alcoholic to understand his/her predicament.
In no way does it allow amelioration of mistakes in one's life, but it assists, (with the 12 Step Programme) in bringing the suffering to a realisation that they have harmed themsleves and the ones they love, and many others, whom they are not aware of harming.
There is no "excuse" as such, there is no "absolution", except for being prepared to do a thorough moral inventory of one's life, with an older sober member, and then prepare to make amends where apporpriate, to those harmed.
Only 2 percent (an AA estimate) of people who walk into AA or NA's rooms, actually stay there for life, and this sad statistic is actually higher than any other form of therapy, in keeping the person sober.
It is dangerous to judge anything without deeper investigation, and on this, I highly recommend you visit an ALANON meeting, which is specifically for family and friends of the suffering addict/alcoholic, it will set you straight about a lot of the common misconceptions regarding the 12 Step Programme and the 'disease' concept and most importantly, give you 'tools' with which to deal with your friend, emotionally for you, and physically for him, if he is willing.
Before I had even started to drink and drug, I already had the symptoms, for it is a spiritual, emotional and physical problem, that if not addressed, does result in institutions, gaols and death.
We do not turn our back on the past, nor live in the future, we live in the present, with the best of our ability not to harm ourselves, or others.
You would do well to go to the ALANON meetings, and find out for yourself, for they are designed to help you
deal with the situation, then, you may be of some real assistance to your friend, who desperately needs help and unconditional love right now, but only offered on the conditon he goes to AA and faces up to his life, if he refuses, then sadly he must find his absolute "rock bottom" his own way, which indeed may mean gaol, or death.
cheers
fog
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Comment by Cheryl J
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Thank you for writing this. Although I am in no way qualified to comment on whether or not addiction is truly a disease I can comment on the point of view of someone that has an illness which I cannot 'choose' to overcome. I take medication on which I am dependent. Dependent, not addicted. There is a difference. I also have a brother with cancer and sometimes I struggle to find sympathy for those who let addictions control their lives.
I don't mean to sound arrogant or close minded but addicts and alcoholics try and excuse themselves from responsibility by citing their 'illness'. I am not stating that they do not have an illness but they CAN choose to control it. I wish all of us had those choices.
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
These are explanations, perhaps causes, but they can't be excuses. With any luck your friend can take responsibility, recognise what the underlying factors are, and let such a tragedy be his turning point.
I hope it is enough to move him in the right direction. I hope the young pedestrian makes a full recovery. And I hope I'm not being too idealistic.
Michaelie
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
Really, though, the semantics is neither here nor there. What matters is what happened, and whether or not it will lead to the necessary changes in Alex. I still don't totally know how I feel or what I will do -- I guess that's dependent on what happens next.
Thanks very much for the input
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
That is a good expression, but maybe not quite for this situation. It implies that we may all be victims of circumstance, but personal choice played at least some role in what has happened. As I said to Ruby, I'm not sure how to proceed yet. For now I'll wait and see what happens, and make a decision from there. Thanks very much for the feedback!
Hi kleo. I'm wrong about stuff I wish I was right about, and vice versa. Not quite ideal, eh?
Hi Louie. You're absolutely right, unless he wants help and admits the problem, no one and nothing can do any good. He has so far refused to do just that. Will that change now, in light of what's happened? I'd like to think so, but it is certainly not a given. How/if I respond to him directly will probably rely on whether or not he finally admits to the problem. I can only run headlong into a brick wall so many times. Thanks for dropping in
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
They may stop drinking for a while but inevitably, they turn back to it, unless all the underlying problems are addressed and treated. And when not drinking, they still have all the "isms", the personality traits etc, so nothing has actually changed, saving for the lack of alcohol in their system.
It is an emotional, physical and spiritual "DIS - ease" as they also say in AA.
Having "unconditional love" for someone does not mean that you allow that person to continue to use or abuse you, not in the least.
AA and NA have another saying, that is "tough love", whereby, if someone does not want to stay sober and attend meetings and do the steps etc, then that suffering alcoholic's sponsor, or AA/NA friend, will not be as involved in the other's life anywhere near as much as they were. It can also involve kicking a person out of their home, if they will not seek help.
A big principle in AA is using attraction, rather than trying to demand they get sober, to show by example, so the alcoholic/addict sees that your life has imporved becaaue you are sober etc. Also, not being judgemental, for doing so may alienate someone who needs our help.
It is not for us to judge, in time each alcoholic judges themselves, when they do the 12 Steps.
Non alcoholics/addicts can be too stuck on the terminology, without getting the facts of what is actually involved, but that is to be expected, as it is a complex area, fired by recrimminations, anger and hurt.
If anyone reading this has a family member, or friend, who is behaving as if they are addicted to drugs or alcohol, please, do yourselves a favour, and find out what to do from AL-Anon, and NA-Anon.
cheers...the sober variety!
fog
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
# Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
I cannot get past step 1. You are NOT powerless. Your 15 years of sobriety demonstrates that. Your group did not make you stop drinking. Your friends and family did not make you give it up. God did not alter your mind and help you. Only one person ultimately had the power to do that, and it was you. As your experience so clearly shows, the power to overcome addiction resides in the addict. That is why, though I'm glad that you found the program helpful, I question its message.
As for giving him my unconditional love and support? I don't know if it is in me to do that. A man almost died because of him. If I read in the paper about a stranger doing what Alex did, I would not support him at all and would expect a proper punishment for him. How can I advocate any less now, just because he was my friend? The crime is the same, and it makes it very difficult for me to support him. This may be my own failing, not to be able to get past that, but ultimately that's how I feel.
Fog, thanks once again for your input here. I think it was a crucial contribution to this discussion.
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
No-one should pressure you to act in a way which makes you uncomfortable so I won't. I hope it somehow all works out.
xxx
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
Hello Michaelie. What can I say? You've summed up my position pretty nicely.
Hi Cheryl. You've hit exactly on that aspect of my post. Support where it is merited is a good thing, but I come up a bit short on the unconditional aspect. Support that is unwanted or undeserved is wasted. I also have seen up close the effects of true disease, and to compare addiction to that, even metaphorically, is a pretty poor choice of words in my mind. Disease does not imply choice or willpower, addiction is nothing but choice and willpower. Thanks for the comment.
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
Thanks for additional info. My problem with the underlying principle of the 12-Steps still stands, but I see where you're coming from. I do agree with this:
"AA and NA have another saying, that is "tough love", whereby, if someone does not want to stay sober and attend meetings and do the steps etc, then that suffering alcoholic's sponsor, or AA/NA friend, will not be as involved in the other's life anywhere near as much as they were. It can also involve kicking a person out of their home, if they will not seek help."
I think the time may have already come. Perhaps I hold his parents somewhat accountable, as they have been far too enabling for him. I wonder if things might be a bit different, if he might have hit bottom sooner, had they not continually propped him up. I know they thought they were helping, but all they ended up doing was sheltering him from the true reality of his problem. It's a complex issue, as you've said, and not easy to assign blame any one place.
As it stands, assigning blame is sort of irrelevant now. What's happened has happened, there's no changing it. I hope, first and foremost, for the recovery of the victim he struck. After that, I hope Alex's elderly/frail parents get through this trial OK. I'm sure it is an amazing strain on them (as he has been for a long time). Lastly, I do hope that this leads to a change for Alex himself. It remains to be seen if I will be there for it or not.
Thanks fog.
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
I resigned myself to this a long time ago. I'm sad it came to pass, but I let go of the attachment that would have been hurt. That probably sounds a bit callous, but it had to be done. Watching him self-destruct WOULD have hurt, with nothing to be done about it. I suppose I'm not strong enough for that. :-/
Thanks for the support, it is appreciated.
Comment by Mvsevm of Skin
So cheers to you, Alex. Get better, you little buggar.
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Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
It saddens me that my old friend nearly killed someone, but I still blame him for it. The booze did not drive that car, he did. We own our decisions, however bad they might be.
Thank you for adding your voice to the discussion. I'm sorry for what you've experienced, but your contribution here is appreciated.