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Catholic Church To Weed Out Homosexual Clergy: Plans Massive Recruitment Drive In Iran
November 2nd 2008 18:08
The Vatican: The Roman Catholic Church is to begin undertaking psychological tests on future priests in order to weed out clergyman who possess what it terms "psychological defects”. Concerned over the damage caused to its hitherto immaculate reputation (just don't mention the Inquisition), by sex scandals and paedophile priests, the Church aims to avoid any future embarrassment and massive payouts to its victims by vetting future priests “with deep seated homosexual tendencies” as well as heterosexual priests with “uncontrollable sexual urges”.
“Sex is unnatural and any desire to have sex is clearly a major psychological defect. We have no room for that in the Universal Church” said a senior churchman. “Homosexuality in particular will not be tolerated. Do you know how much we paid out to sex abuse victims last year? The Church isn’t a bottomless vat of wealth you know. We have our financial limits. The Pope mobile hasn’t had a proper service in two years. At this rate, the Pope will have to start using his legs”.
The decision has been met with a surprise rapturous welcome in Iran where, in an extraordinary bid to foster relations between the Catholic and Muslim religions, the President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has invited the Church to screen potential priests from Iran’s uniformly heterosexual population.
"There are no homosexuals in Iran. That is a phenomenon we do not have here. The Pope should come to Iran and make choose his priests from the young, virile Iranian specimens of non-homosexual masculine glory”, the President said. After waiting with uncharacteristic politeness for the laughter to die down, the President continued, “Of course, we will have to execute the chosen priests immediately because apostasy from the one and only true faith of Islam will not be tolerated. All other religions are a result of psychological defects. Islam is the only true religion. Uh make that, Shia Islam is the only true religion. Forget the Sunni. They are all homosexuals with psychological defects”.
It’s not clear what the Church plans to do about dating websites for homosexual clergy such as this one, but they have already closed down a seminary in Austria where the potential priests were rooting each other like rabbits. “That’s a step in the right direction” said the Pope. “The Church must be vigilant in its efforts to undo the damage done by deep-seated homosexual tendencies. Soon I will be able to stand next to Ahmadinejad and proudly say, ‘There are no homosexuals in Iran…or the Catholic Church’”.
The move is being met with its fair share of critics who claim that the Church is merely trying to deflect any sense of responsibility for the actions of its abusive priests. Others claim the tests will be ineffectual since they can only be administered voluntarily. However, most commentators agree it is a step up from one of the Pope’s former decrees, when in 1962, as mere Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, he sent a memo to Bishops all over the world threatening excommunication if they refused to cover up any allegations of child sexual abuse by Catholic priests. Yes, he really, really did. Read about it here.
“Sex is unnatural and any desire to have sex is clearly a major psychological defect. We have no room for that in the Universal Church” said a senior churchman. “Homosexuality in particular will not be tolerated. Do you know how much we paid out to sex abuse victims last year? The Church isn’t a bottomless vat of wealth you know. We have our financial limits. The Pope mobile hasn’t had a proper service in two years. At this rate, the Pope will have to start using his legs”.
The decision has been met with a surprise rapturous welcome in Iran where, in an extraordinary bid to foster relations between the Catholic and Muslim religions, the President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has invited the Church to screen potential priests from Iran’s uniformly heterosexual population.
"There are no homosexuals in Iran. That is a phenomenon we do not have here. The Pope should come to Iran and make choose his priests from the young, virile Iranian specimens of non-homosexual masculine glory”, the President said. After waiting with uncharacteristic politeness for the laughter to die down, the President continued, “Of course, we will have to execute the chosen priests immediately because apostasy from the one and only true faith of Islam will not be tolerated. All other religions are a result of psychological defects. Islam is the only true religion. Uh make that, Shia Islam is the only true religion. Forget the Sunni. They are all homosexuals with psychological defects”.
It’s not clear what the Church plans to do about dating websites for homosexual clergy such as this one, but they have already closed down a seminary in Austria where the potential priests were rooting each other like rabbits. “That’s a step in the right direction” said the Pope. “The Church must be vigilant in its efforts to undo the damage done by deep-seated homosexual tendencies. Soon I will be able to stand next to Ahmadinejad and proudly say, ‘There are no homosexuals in Iran…or the Catholic Church’”.
The move is being met with its fair share of critics who claim that the Church is merely trying to deflect any sense of responsibility for the actions of its abusive priests. Others claim the tests will be ineffectual since they can only be administered voluntarily. However, most commentators agree it is a step up from one of the Pope’s former decrees, when in 1962, as mere Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, he sent a memo to Bishops all over the world threatening excommunication if they refused to cover up any allegations of child sexual abuse by Catholic priests. Yes, he really, really did. Read about it here.
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Comment by alt_ed
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amazing - it defies nature really!
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How do You Express Your Creativity?
Food Leaf
It's not always appropriate, but is is certainly natural!
Those crazy Catholics are sooooo funny!
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If that sounds like a crazy idea, keep in mind that celibacy was not always a requirement of the priesthood.
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Oh that's right, Obama is the one who speaks sensibly and with vision, McCain won the war from a prisoner of war camp.
The Church has got lots of things wrong, and if there is a God, it will put Obama in charge, that's what I think.
This is all too much for this simple Ozzie country girl.
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Why oh why do they not allow Catholic priests and nuns to marry? It's just silly....and what's even sillier is they do marriage counselling. No wonder they attract pervy paedophiles. And goodness knows the bloody homos are worse than paedophiles....actually aren't all queers paedophiles?
The ad on your page summed it up really. "Do you see Dumb People?". hahahahaha
Thanks for the giggle
Comment by RubySoho
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Even more ironic? They lost that war.
Hi Jeff, there is nothing natural about gay sex. even when it is being performed by two natural humans...naturally.
Hi Cheryl,
No homo's in the navy? That's new! I am starting to think I see a negative co-relation here. The more an organisation claims not to have homosexuals in its ranks, the more prevalent they may be...
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