RubySoho
Winston
Kirk Cameron Proves Existence Of God; Overtakes Stephen Hawking As 'Smartest Man That Ever Lived'
April 11th 2008 01:00
Loser
Genius
(by RubySoho)
In an extraordinary breakthrough that has the entire scientific world abuzz and is sure to earn him at least a nomination for the Nobel Prize in…something, former 80s teen heart throb and all round clever human being, Kirk Cameron has finally, absolutely and definitively proven the existence of God, using none other than the humble banana.
Kirk, who prefers to be addressed by his first, first name, has posted the experiment on youtube for all to see, and I include it thus:
Granted, Kirk does not actually say anything, but he does nod his head in agreement several times. Besides which, the mere presence of such a talented actor and colossal intellect is enough to give credence to the argument.
In a joint press conference this morning, Stephen Hawking officially handed over the title of Smartest Person Ever and congratulated Kirk on his startling discovery. A morose Hawking retracted everything he wrote in A Brief History Of Time, lamenting, “If I could actually kick
myself, I would. I have eaten a banana or two in my time, but alas, the inherent proof of God’s existence contained therein completely escaped my 200plus IQ. If only I had read the Bible 1000 times instead of going to university, and spent more time eating tropical fruits, rather than wasting my efforts researching Quantum Theory. They don’t teach you this in Advanced Cosmology, let me tell you”.
Kirk accepted the compliment with characteristic fundamentalist Christian grace, “Thanks cripple, now if you would, please burn all your copies of On The Origin Of The Species and replace them with the Testament. Old or New, doesn’t matter...no, not the King James Version…what are you stupid or something? Oh, and if you see that dick, Dawkins, tell him who’s deluded now? What’s that? Sign your complete DVD box set of Growing Pains? Sure, why not? Shall I make it out to Stephen or DUMBASS!!!”
Whilst the video, The Atheists Nightmare, has been around for two years, it has hitherto escaped the notice of Hawking and the rest of the scientific community who were too busy working around the clock in their never ending quest to unravel the mysteries of the universe- or so they thought. “Science is dead!” proclaimed Nietzsche, making a rather unexpected appearance, “And this time I haven’t come too early’.
Kirk’s revelation has raised the consciousness of truth-seekers everywhere and has even given rise to a new Christian sub-sect known as the Stoners who claim that the cannabis plant is proof that God exists and wants everyone to be impotent, unemployed, and crave chocolate at 3am.
Of course, not everyone is sold on Kirk’s Banana Theory of Creation, snidely referring to it as “just a theory”. It appears that some people just can’t accept the truth, even when it is staring them in the face. Some detractors, who worship a heretic named Darwin and obviously have not watched Kirk’s video, claim that the banana, like humans and every other living thing on the planet achieved its final shape through what they call “logical conjecture based on overwhelming evidence” or natural selection Really Long Link Others have pointed out that the banana tree is, in fact, a domesticated plant and its present appearance is partly due to human interference, not the divine hand of a creator. Still others wonder what kind of god would care enough to make eating a banana a pleasurable experience but have the devious sense of humour that would allow him to also create poison berries and the truly perplexing pomegranate.
Kirk’s answer to this criticism is to quote the Bible, which always works. In this case his passage of choice is Psalms 14:1: The fool hath said in his heart: There is no God.
Well isn’t that the truth? Kirk Cameron is a genius and you are all fools.
Disclaimer: The Stephen Hawking and Kirk Cameron quoted above are figments of my own perverted imagination and any resemblance to scientific geniuses and Christian fundamentalists is purely coincidental, albeit entirely appreciated.
Images courtesy The Telegraph (UK) and Neodian.
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Comment by cam_nuckols
Born and Raised-Mormon
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
this is possibly the funniest thing ive ever read! lol
this whole article is fantastic and someone should forward it to kirk cameron immediately!
Comment by Jeff Musall
Secular Humanity
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Haha, thanks Morgan, but I'm pretty sure I'll get sued if Kirk ever sees this, or Hawking for that matter. That's the joy of being a lowly internet blogger I guess, obscurity is assured.
Yeah Jeff, Kirk is showing me the way...back to the Dark Ages.
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Kirk Cameron.........damn I was in love with him in the 80's. Growing Pains and that crappy movie with Dudley Moore (you know, the blokes version of Freaky Friday).
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
Screen Trek
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
maybe he should be the next President?? Certainly IQ level is no boundary to being given that august office!!!
cheers
fog
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
Very fun post Ruby
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Comment by Anonymous
I bet he's had a few paid for him....
Comment by Jeff Musall
Secular Humanity
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Just how stupid is this God character anyway?
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
HAHAHA! Jokes on them!
Mis
Comment by Tumbleweed
Comment by Teknicolour
With that logic, where are all the people with pineapple shaped hands and mouths?
Comment by Misery Blackthorne
House of Blackthorne
Comment by Anonymous
He's one of the few honest world leaders out there.
Comment by Anonymous
Really Long Link