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Marriage Holds Surprise Press Conference, Tells Religion To Back Off: “I Can Take Care Of Myself”

November 19th 2008 03:20
CALIFORNIA: “At first I was afraid, I was petrified. I kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. And then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong. And I grew strong. And I learned how to get along.”

With these familiar words, the Institution Of Marriage has broken its self-imposed silence on Proposition 8, the ballot measure that overturned the law deeming same-sex marriage to be legal and valid in California. Having kept quiet during the campaign in which Protect Marriage, an affiliation of religious organisations, including The Mormon Church and The Catholic Church fought tirelessly against gay rights groups, in what they claimed was an effort to prevent marriage from suffering a “cardiac arrest”, Marriage decided to speak up in the wake of the nationwide protests held on Saturday in the United States.

More than a million people took part in protests from New York to Chicago to Los Angeles as gay people and their allies fought for the right of same sex couples to marry and be treated as actual citizens. “It was these protests which compelled me to break my silence”, Marriage said. “I looked at these people marching and I though to myself, Marriage, could it be that these people don’t want to hurt you, that they don’t want to undermine you? Could it be that they just want you to be a part of their life?”

“Ever since the dawn of civilisation, it appears that Religion and I have gone hand in hand. That you couldn’t have one without the other. But then I got to thinking. What has religion done for me lately? And when I say lately, I mean in the last 4000 years. Think about it, the ancient Egyptians – very religious people, they abused me in order to keep their power for themselves. Brothers marrying sisters, fathers marrying daughters. And for what purpose? To keep their bloodlines pure and prevent others from usurping their power on the throne. And who was there, egging them along, making their incestuous unions sacred and holy? None other than the priests.”

“Skip forward a couple thousand years. To the Middle Ages. Marriage wasn’t treated as a sacred union of one man and woman coming together in God’s love. It was a political tool. Kings marrying off their pubescent daughters to rulers of foreign lands, without a second thought as to their happiness and welfare. Marriage wasn’t a blessed event for these people. It was a political agreement. Did their daughters have a say in the matter? No. And who blessed these unions? The Catholic Church of course. And what about Henry VIII? “ Marriage continued, somewhat on a roll. “What mockery did he make of me? First he started his own religion, just because the Church would not allow him to divorce, then he dispensed with the formality of divorce altogether and simply chopped off his wives’ heads. One after the other. Where were you, Religion, when all this was going on? Why did you not protect me then? Could it be that you were just looking after your own back? Making sure you didn’t piss off the king so that you wouldn’t lose your precious power?”

“And where are you today, in Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia when ten years old girls are forced to marry 50 year old men? Is this the sacred union of which you speak? Is that why your Imams and your sheiks are legitimising these marriages? And what of the breakaway fundamentalist Mormon sect in Texas? Men marrying teenage girls, a fraction of their age. Raping them, assaulting them? Do you not think that such unions undermine and demean me? That they do. And yet, you do not speak out against them.

"Yes, I have endured much over the years, but I know that I am no longer in need of your ‘protection’. For if I can survive mail order brides from Thailand, if I can survive people marrying for Green Cards, if I can survive Britney in Vegas, if I can survive Elton John and Renate Blauel in Sydney, then I can survive same sex unions. For crying out loud, I EVEN SURVIVED MICHAEL JACKSON AND LISA MARIE PRESLEY! You think I won’t survive the fact that some people who happen to have the same genital characteristics but who nonetheless love each other very much, want to show their love to the world and have their unions recognised by the law and the community? Do you think that this will make me crumble? Do you think that this will make me lay down and die? Oh no! Not I! I will survive”.



Religion has yet to reply to Marriage’s statement. When contacted, Religion replied that it was too busy patting itself on the back for its hollow victory and searching for more avenues in which it could discriminate against more people whose lifestyles it deems inappropriate.


DISCLAIMER: These are the words of Marriage, not my own. If you have a problem with them, leave a comment below and I will make sure Marriage gets them. Maybe Marriage will even reply. Otherwise go read something else.




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Comments
10 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Louie

November 19th 2008 03:41
noice..... good laugh for a Wednesday, mind you it is no laughing matter, an outright disgrace really.
cheers

Louie

Comment by Morgan Bell

November 19th 2008 04:47
poor old Marriage!
always the pawn in political games!
same-sex partnerships are probably the best thing that could ever happen to marriage, it would remind people that its supposed to be about love and companionship!

Comment by alt_ed

November 19th 2008 10:16
Marriage have you spoken with D-ave, *cough* I mean D'ivorce lately... how's he doing?

Comment by The Compassionate Cynic

November 19th 2008 12:07
Nice.

Comment by RubySoho

November 19th 2008 14:18
Thanks everyone. I'll be honest, I got a bit lazy with this one and posted it before it was really finished....

Comment by Chris Champion

November 19th 2008 20:33

Comment by Waysouth

November 20th 2008 00:45
So true! My mom always complains that the horrible part of going to a wedding is that they want to preach to you! Or say a mass or something.

"Church wedding," that phrase throws cold ice on Marriage on a joyful day.

And can I just say that the Mormon's don't let non-mormons attend their temple weddings.

Good topic, I love the subject line, can I vote twice?

Comment by Earl Leonard

November 20th 2008 22:52
Good points, well made.

Comment by Jeff Musall

November 21st 2008 00:32
I would be so happy if religion were "divorced" from marriage, once and for all...

Comment by Lilla

November 21st 2008 04:09
Ruby,

Well said, even as incomplete as you say it is. I cannot fathom systems that have such strong taboos on consentual same sex unions and such light taboos on the rape and mutilation of innocents, either.

I believe you are right in outlining that we must not overlook the obvious here in that there is clearly an imbalance present. .. but that is changing Ruby, very soon.

Great post!

Lilla ...

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