RubySoho
Winston
MY RELIGION IS BETTER THAN YOUR NON-RELIGION (and if you don’t like it you are going to hell)
March 25th 2008 22:32
In keeping with the religious theme of the last post by Winston, I have decided to write this post to educate people about the one true religion. Winston is a fun boy. Sadly, he is also going to hell. Sorry Winston, no offence but it’s the truth. Hey, wanna come over for dinner on Sunday?
Please note it is not my intent to insult or offend or anger anyone. It is just my duty to inform everyone that unless they convert to my religion and do everything my religion tells them to do, then they are wicked. My religion is loving but firm. It is understanding but inflexible. It is the only true religion. And because of this, you are not allowed to criticise it. If you criticise it then it means you think you are better than my religion and as I have already told you, you are not. I know my religion is the best because my Goddess told me so. She is the only true Goddess. Don’t ask me how I know this. I just do. Like, I just know. You know when you really, really know? Like, really, truly, truly? That’s how much I know.
In my religion we worship the True Space Goddess, whom we affectionately call “Cosmic Chick”. You can’t call her that though because you are a heathen and it will be considered blasphemy if you dare. The penalty for blasphemy is eternal damnation. Whilst this might sound like a harsh penalty, it’s really not because Cosmic Chick is fair and just. Please understand that this is not my opinion. This is fact. I don’t have an agenda. As a follower of Cosmic Chick, it is my cosmic duty to teach you-in a loving but firm way of course- the difference between right and wrong. Blasphemy is wrong. If you blaspheme you will go to hell. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The most important part of my religion is abortion. Because Cosmic Chick is a chick, she has decreed that only women are allowed to make decisions when it comes to abortion. She doesn’t say whether abortion is right or wrong, she leaves it to her followers to make up their own minds. But she gets really mad when men interfere in the decision making process. Cosmic Chick says that since men don’t have a uterus and will never be pregnant then “they should keep their mouths shut”. Those are her exact words, not mine. So please, don’t direct your anger at me. I am only here to teach you about the will of the Goddess. If you are just looking for a religion to bash then go elsewhere. I don’t want your kind here. Thanks.
If you don’t like what I have written here, too bad. Because this is my religion. And religion can’t be criticised. Not even the stupid ones. Which are all other religions except my religion. My religion is the one true religion. If you criticise my religion you are persecuting me. You are interfering with my freedom. You are enforcing your beliefs, or lack of them, onto me. You can’t do that. That is wrong. I am allowed to tell you what I think of you but you can’t tell me what you think of me. That’s because I know what is right and what is wrong. You don’t, so best to keep quiet. Unless you want to go to hell.
But if I don’t educate all of you about Cosmic Chick then I will go to hell. Since I don’t want to go to hell then I will keep blabbering incessantly. And if you don’t like it then it means you are comparing your moral yard stick to my moral yard stick and that is akin to sticking out your tongue at me. And sticking out your tongue at a devotee of Cosmic Chick is a sin. And we all know what happens to sinners, right?
Before I go I just want to remind you all that Cosmic Chick loves you. But if you don’t do what I say she will drag you down to the pits of hell. She will rake your body over hot coals. She will poke white hot needles in your eyes. She will boil you in oil until your skin falls off. Then she will wait until the skin grows back before boiling you again.
But Cosmic Chick loves you.
Really, really loves you.
p.s Cosmic Chick is currently redrafting her Holy Book, Cosmic Vibes, and we expect it will be hitting the shelves by Christmas (or as we call it, the Heathen’s Holiday). Even though Cosmic Chick is infallible some parts in the last edition were a mistake and she needs to fix them
Please note it is not my intent to insult or offend or anger anyone. It is just my duty to inform everyone that unless they convert to my religion and do everything my religion tells them to do, then they are wicked. My religion is loving but firm. It is understanding but inflexible. It is the only true religion. And because of this, you are not allowed to criticise it. If you criticise it then it means you think you are better than my religion and as I have already told you, you are not. I know my religion is the best because my Goddess told me so. She is the only true Goddess. Don’t ask me how I know this. I just do. Like, I just know. You know when you really, really know? Like, really, truly, truly? That’s how much I know.
In my religion we worship the True Space Goddess, whom we affectionately call “Cosmic Chick”. You can’t call her that though because you are a heathen and it will be considered blasphemy if you dare. The penalty for blasphemy is eternal damnation. Whilst this might sound like a harsh penalty, it’s really not because Cosmic Chick is fair and just. Please understand that this is not my opinion. This is fact. I don’t have an agenda. As a follower of Cosmic Chick, it is my cosmic duty to teach you-in a loving but firm way of course- the difference between right and wrong. Blasphemy is wrong. If you blaspheme you will go to hell. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The most important part of my religion is abortion. Because Cosmic Chick is a chick, she has decreed that only women are allowed to make decisions when it comes to abortion. She doesn’t say whether abortion is right or wrong, she leaves it to her followers to make up their own minds. But she gets really mad when men interfere in the decision making process. Cosmic Chick says that since men don’t have a uterus and will never be pregnant then “they should keep their mouths shut”. Those are her exact words, not mine. So please, don’t direct your anger at me. I am only here to teach you about the will of the Goddess. If you are just looking for a religion to bash then go elsewhere. I don’t want your kind here. Thanks.
If you don’t like what I have written here, too bad. Because this is my religion. And religion can’t be criticised. Not even the stupid ones. Which are all other religions except my religion. My religion is the one true religion. If you criticise my religion you are persecuting me. You are interfering with my freedom. You are enforcing your beliefs, or lack of them, onto me. You can’t do that. That is wrong. I am allowed to tell you what I think of you but you can’t tell me what you think of me. That’s because I know what is right and what is wrong. You don’t, so best to keep quiet. Unless you want to go to hell.
But if I don’t educate all of you about Cosmic Chick then I will go to hell. Since I don’t want to go to hell then I will keep blabbering incessantly. And if you don’t like it then it means you are comparing your moral yard stick to my moral yard stick and that is akin to sticking out your tongue at me. And sticking out your tongue at a devotee of Cosmic Chick is a sin. And we all know what happens to sinners, right?
Before I go I just want to remind you all that Cosmic Chick loves you. But if you don’t do what I say she will drag you down to the pits of hell. She will rake your body over hot coals. She will poke white hot needles in your eyes. She will boil you in oil until your skin falls off. Then she will wait until the skin grows back before boiling you again.
But Cosmic Chick loves you.
Really, really loves you.
p.s Cosmic Chick is currently redrafting her Holy Book, Cosmic Vibes, and we expect it will be hitting the shelves by Christmas (or as we call it, the Heathen’s Holiday). Even though Cosmic Chick is infallible some parts in the last edition were a mistake and she needs to fix them
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Comment by dQuarters
Though you're new religion felt kinda... lacking. I can't put my finger on what's missing. Hmm.
.
.
.
THAT'S it! Contradiction.
Who's going to know an omnipotent being invented it unless it makes no sense, even within it's own context? Better get to work on that new-testament.
Ya heathen
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
Is it, like, Christian hell, with wailing and gnashing of teeth as I burn in an eternal fire? Or is something different, like being forced to watch nothing but episodes of Oprah and Doctor Phil forever? I hope it's the first one.
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
if not, I will just stand on the street corner and holler louder than everyone else.
Hello, Winston, you hell-bound heathen. Unlike that piss-weak God Jehovah, who only bothered to make one hell, Cosmic Chick has many hells for many people. Basically, whatever is your idea of the worst thing that could possibly happen to you, then that's your hell. Oprah, fire, or listening to other religious people telling you how sweet and kind they are, take your pick. Oh, yeah, you get to choose, did I mention that? What an awesome Goddess to let us choose our own eternal pain.
Sigh. i love Cosmic Chick, so thoughtful of her to always be thinking of all us, don't you think?
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
fabulous satire!
thanks for the refreshing post!
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Like, I said, this is just a blog intended for those who don't wish to burn in hell (or watch Oprah). Everyone else can leave now. Just expect a knock on your door soon. If you are not home we will slip a note under the door. Maybe we will call you during dinner? Either way, it's a one sided dialogue: don't call us, we'll call you.
Cib- That's blasphemy. I'll forgive you this time, it's my good cosmic duty. But consider yourself warned.
Comment by The wonderful Peter Yang
The wonderful Peter Yang's Variety blog
Power Ranger Online
HAITI EARTHQUAKE
Comedy TV Online
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Comment by Eva W.
Life in Germany
Like a radiant angel in the night, you put me on a straight and narrow path to salvation. Cosmic blessings be upon you.
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Why not share the news with your family and friends? Pre-order your copy of Cosmic Vibes now and receive a special discount: pay for five books and get a fifth one for half price. That's HALF PRICE!!!
Just send the money to me, I'll make sure Cosmic Chick gets it.
Comment by DeAnne
Public Journalist
Simple Gift Guide
Blogging American
Home Cooking on Recipeyz
Work From Home Online
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Comment by JoshZ
in the light of everything that has been said recently, I would like to invite you to read the latest post I've written.
Umm, Ruby, this hell.....it doesn't involve....clowns does it?
JZ
Comment by Cheryl J
Rhythmatism
Zentertainment
Budget Centsability
Not only a religion but a great new skincare regime for the Goddessless and the truly ugly. I'm a convert!
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
Comment by Jeff Musall
Secular Humanity
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
I really shouldn't say this out loud, it's not something my religion likes to advertise, but nonetheless...misandry is a key feature of the one true religion.
Oh bugger, now I've done it, it'll be at least one hundred Hail Chicky's for this one. But that's okay. I can commit as many sins as I like. As long I confess and pretend to feel bad about it, then all will be forgiven and I'll still get to heaven.
How cool is that?
Comment by Carolyn Cordon
Light Within
How do You Express Your Creativity?
Food Leaf
If we all believed in the Cosmic Chick would there be world peace? Do you think there is room for Obama in Cosmic Chick's world? I suspect he's as much a believer as any man can be.
I may be completely wrong about that. I'm a poet, I'm often wrong about things, but I know it doesn't matter, because it's what's inside, deep inside, where you can't see anything, that the only real truth lives. If you can see something, it's probably neither true nor real.
Go Cosmic Chick!