RubySoho
Winston
Oh My Family, I Hardly Know Ye
August 12th 2008 23:50
Last week, I saw my family for the first time in three years. The last time we were all together was when I got married. We had a great time on both occasions. The long duration between visits has nothing to do with any animosity or quarreling. We all just live really far from each other, too far for a weekend visit. So it was quite an event when we all got together recently in Pittsburgh, PA, where my brother and his family live. It was a very enjoyable trip (Pittsburgh is actually a very nice city -- not the blue collar steel mill town that it is still somewhat associated with) and packed a lot of activity into a few days. Seeing my dad, brother and sister again was gratifying, and I sincerely hope that we are able to get together more frequently going forward. And yet at the beginning of the trip, during the 11 hour drive, I was agitated and a bit ornery (note to my wife: sorry honey!). Partly because of the stress of the trip and because I'm not a huge fan of overly long drives, I'm sure. But there was something else, too, which took me awhile to identify. I realized that I was actually stressed out about seeing my family, although I love them dearly. And I knew why: my views on a number of issues and the rest of family's views are, shall we say, divergent.
Anybody who has read my posts with any regularity is familiar with the fact that I am an atheist (12 years of Catholic school education notwithstanding). My father and brother have adhered to Catholicism, but while I think my dad's faith has waned a bit, my brother has beefed up his involvement with the Church. My sister, on the other hand, is a very devout.....something. Not sure what, exactly, but some form of Protestantism, most likely of the evangelical variety. So, I don't mesh with them theologically. Our political and social disparities are almost equally impressive. I am an Independent who, depending on the topic at hand, sometimes finds common ground with Republicans, Democrats, or Libertarians. Overall I would be considered too liberal to have much to do with the Republican party, but we do see eye to eye on a couple things. By contrast, my family is generally conservative across the board. I was raised this way myself, but slowly shed more and more of those viewpoints as I realized that I was parroting the ideology I'd been raised with rather than forming my own beliefs. The conclusion I came to was that no one party has all the answers and issues need to be addressed on a case by case basis, as opposed to judging them along Party lines. My sister is obviously conservative, as you don't find a lot of Christians of her particular stripe in the liberal bent. My dad is nearly 70, and was raised in a conservative environment. Gay marriage is out and taxes are bad. No surprise there. But in many ways dad is still reasonable and approachable. His every viewpoint is not carved in stone, and he doesn't bark neo-conservative talking points on command. His views are his own, and he is capable of discussing them. My brother though......wow. He and his wife are conservatives to the nth degree. As an example, I felt my stomach clench a bit last week when I saw a selection of Anne Coulter's books on his shelf, right next to the Limbaugh section. Opposing views are one thing, but Anne Coulter is a shrill, ignorant, hateful and contemptible freak who is not even taken seriously by many conservatives. So imagine my utter horror at seeing her books in my brother's house, the brother whom I love and who, with his fun-loving and equally conservative wife, is raising my two beautiful nephews. What horrible ideas will they be exposed to by my brother and sister-in-law, however much they are presented with the best of intentions? These books are not there as part of a research collection or anything, lest anyone think that perhaps they are not representative of his views. I have heard him espouse some of those same points myself. It really made my heart sink a bit to see that.
Anyway, back to the drive. So here I was, traveling 11 hours to visit people whom I hardly ever see and with whom I have very little in common, outside of genes and shared experiences. Truth be told, if they were not related to me, I doubt I would get along with my family. They are all very good people, loving and law-abiding. But there is so much about them I can't understand. I feel much more comfortable being myself around my wife Julia's family (with whom I'm very close), as we only live a couple hours from them and see them all the time. Plus, they are far less conservative and are tolerant of our viewpoints. It bothers me to feel more uncomfortable around my own blood relations than I do around my in-laws, and I allowed that to make me irritable and anxious on our way down to for our visit. As I identified the problem and Julia and I discussed it, she suggested just getting it out in the open, if only to relieve some of my own stress. I declined, however, not seeing much benefit to that. My family is pretty smart. They know I'm not religious (our wedding ceremony, which surreptitiously did not have ANY religious themes at all, probably helped cement that idea for them) and they doubtless know I'm more socially liberal. My sister and I have argued about evolution vs. intelligent design, and long ago my brother and I argued about gay rights. They know enough to know that we don't agree, but they still love me and vice versa. Besides, I took enough away from those discussions to not be eager to reengage in them, especially considering how infrequently we all see each other. Even though I'm older now, and probably better equipped to make my points than I was back when these disagreements occurred, I just couldn't see the point in making my viewpoints an issue. As long as no one called me out, I decided I would leave well enough alone and enjoy the trip.
That turned out to be the right call, I think. A couple eye roll-inducing comments aside, we managed to avoid any minefields. Perhaps I should be more forthright about my position, and perhaps in other circumstances I would be, but considering the situation I think I made the right choice. I wish I felt I could be more open about my own views, rather than just keeping my mouth clenched shut from time to time, but I also can't see how that will benefit me. Enjoying the very limited time I have with my family seems more important than trying to make myself feel better at the expense of harmony.
What do you think? Does anyone reading this have a similar dynamic and, if so, how have you dealt with it?
Anybody who has read my posts with any regularity is familiar with the fact that I am an atheist (12 years of Catholic school education notwithstanding). My father and brother have adhered to Catholicism, but while I think my dad's faith has waned a bit, my brother has beefed up his involvement with the Church. My sister, on the other hand, is a very devout.....something. Not sure what, exactly, but some form of Protestantism, most likely of the evangelical variety. So, I don't mesh with them theologically. Our political and social disparities are almost equally impressive. I am an Independent who, depending on the topic at hand, sometimes finds common ground with Republicans, Democrats, or Libertarians. Overall I would be considered too liberal to have much to do with the Republican party, but we do see eye to eye on a couple things. By contrast, my family is generally conservative across the board. I was raised this way myself, but slowly shed more and more of those viewpoints as I realized that I was parroting the ideology I'd been raised with rather than forming my own beliefs. The conclusion I came to was that no one party has all the answers and issues need to be addressed on a case by case basis, as opposed to judging them along Party lines. My sister is obviously conservative, as you don't find a lot of Christians of her particular stripe in the liberal bent. My dad is nearly 70, and was raised in a conservative environment. Gay marriage is out and taxes are bad. No surprise there. But in many ways dad is still reasonable and approachable. His every viewpoint is not carved in stone, and he doesn't bark neo-conservative talking points on command. His views are his own, and he is capable of discussing them. My brother though......wow. He and his wife are conservatives to the nth degree. As an example, I felt my stomach clench a bit last week when I saw a selection of Anne Coulter's books on his shelf, right next to the Limbaugh section. Opposing views are one thing, but Anne Coulter is a shrill, ignorant, hateful and contemptible freak who is not even taken seriously by many conservatives. So imagine my utter horror at seeing her books in my brother's house, the brother whom I love and who, with his fun-loving and equally conservative wife, is raising my two beautiful nephews. What horrible ideas will they be exposed to by my brother and sister-in-law, however much they are presented with the best of intentions? These books are not there as part of a research collection or anything, lest anyone think that perhaps they are not representative of his views. I have heard him espouse some of those same points myself. It really made my heart sink a bit to see that.
Anyway, back to the drive. So here I was, traveling 11 hours to visit people whom I hardly ever see and with whom I have very little in common, outside of genes and shared experiences. Truth be told, if they were not related to me, I doubt I would get along with my family. They are all very good people, loving and law-abiding. But there is so much about them I can't understand. I feel much more comfortable being myself around my wife Julia's family (with whom I'm very close), as we only live a couple hours from them and see them all the time. Plus, they are far less conservative and are tolerant of our viewpoints. It bothers me to feel more uncomfortable around my own blood relations than I do around my in-laws, and I allowed that to make me irritable and anxious on our way down to for our visit. As I identified the problem and Julia and I discussed it, she suggested just getting it out in the open, if only to relieve some of my own stress. I declined, however, not seeing much benefit to that. My family is pretty smart. They know I'm not religious (our wedding ceremony, which surreptitiously did not have ANY religious themes at all, probably helped cement that idea for them) and they doubtless know I'm more socially liberal. My sister and I have argued about evolution vs. intelligent design, and long ago my brother and I argued about gay rights. They know enough to know that we don't agree, but they still love me and vice versa. Besides, I took enough away from those discussions to not be eager to reengage in them, especially considering how infrequently we all see each other. Even though I'm older now, and probably better equipped to make my points than I was back when these disagreements occurred, I just couldn't see the point in making my viewpoints an issue. As long as no one called me out, I decided I would leave well enough alone and enjoy the trip.
That turned out to be the right call, I think. A couple eye roll-inducing comments aside, we managed to avoid any minefields. Perhaps I should be more forthright about my position, and perhaps in other circumstances I would be, but considering the situation I think I made the right choice. I wish I felt I could be more open about my own views, rather than just keeping my mouth clenched shut from time to time, but I also can't see how that will benefit me. Enjoying the very limited time I have with my family seems more important than trying to make myself feel better at the expense of harmony.
What do you think? Does anyone reading this have a similar dynamic and, if so, how have you dealt with it?
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Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Fortunately, they are not too concerned with what other people do with their own lives and bodies, so they tend to agree with me more on politics. ie they value social justice above legislating morality. That's why it stumps me how obsessive Americans can be about moral issues.
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
As for the American obsession with morality issues (most of which have nothing to do with actual morality), it confuses the hell out of a lot of us, too.
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
Comment by Jeff Musall
Secular Humanity
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions