RubySoho
Winston
What To Do When a Wizard Pilfers Your Penis
May 7th 2008 23:30
Are you a man living in the Democratic Republic of Congo? Do you believe in black magic? Tired of worrying about having your penis stolen by wizards? You're not alone! Supernatural penis theft is on the rise, and unless you know what to look for and how to handle it, it can be quite a big problem.
Here are some handy tips to use in the event that you suddenly find your penis missing:
1) Don't panic! -- This is critical. Most men will understandably become agitated upon noticing that their member has suddenly gone astray, but it is very important to keep a level head. Think: are you sure it was stolen? When was the last time you saw your penis? Does your wife have it? Before rushing to the authorities, take matters into your own hands and see if your penis turns up.
2) Write things down! -- Once you've exhausted the possibility that your penis is merely misplaced, write down everything you can recall from the moments before it was stolen. Did you notice any odd sensations? Did a man wearing a gold ring make contact with you at all? If so, he may have been a wizard and could have stolen your penis. While that is not definite, it is essentially definite. Provide a detailed description of the perpetrator to the authorities, as well as of your penis.
3) Double check! -- Try having sex with something. For men, the inability to have sex with something is one of the symptoms of not having a penis, so successfully f##king something is a good indication that it has not been stolen. If that does not work, look again for you penis very carefully. Occasionally, wizards do not actually steal the penis, but merely shrink it to miniscule size. If possible, ask your wife to look and tell you if she sees a tiny penis. Stress that you actually want an honest answer this time.
4) Ask around! -- Sometimes the best way to find something is just to recruit some friends and ask around the neighborhood. Some common techniques for this involve distributing flyers, door to door threatening, inciting mob violence, and/or killing people that you randomly accuse of practicing black magic. Who knows? You may get lucky and lynch the correct wizard. Try it out!
5) Get a backup plan! -- Hopefully, following these simple steps will enable you to recover your penis. However, in the event that you still are unable to locate it there is another option. As a last resort you can purchase a used penis. Try asking a wizard. If you already killed them all, try ebay.
Remember, the best offense is a good defense. It is important to make sure that your penis is insured. There is no better proper protection than full coverage.
Good luck!
*click HERE for news story of lynching in the Congo related to wizardry charges
Here are some handy tips to use in the event that you suddenly find your penis missing:
1) Don't panic! -- This is critical. Most men will understandably become agitated upon noticing that their member has suddenly gone astray, but it is very important to keep a level head. Think: are you sure it was stolen? When was the last time you saw your penis? Does your wife have it? Before rushing to the authorities, take matters into your own hands and see if your penis turns up.
2) Write things down! -- Once you've exhausted the possibility that your penis is merely misplaced, write down everything you can recall from the moments before it was stolen. Did you notice any odd sensations? Did a man wearing a gold ring make contact with you at all? If so, he may have been a wizard and could have stolen your penis. While that is not definite, it is essentially definite. Provide a detailed description of the perpetrator to the authorities, as well as of your penis.
3) Double check! -- Try having sex with something. For men, the inability to have sex with something is one of the symptoms of not having a penis, so successfully f##king something is a good indication that it has not been stolen. If that does not work, look again for you penis very carefully. Occasionally, wizards do not actually steal the penis, but merely shrink it to miniscule size. If possible, ask your wife to look and tell you if she sees a tiny penis. Stress that you actually want an honest answer this time.
4) Ask around! -- Sometimes the best way to find something is just to recruit some friends and ask around the neighborhood. Some common techniques for this involve distributing flyers, door to door threatening, inciting mob violence, and/or killing people that you randomly accuse of practicing black magic. Who knows? You may get lucky and lynch the correct wizard. Try it out!
5) Get a backup plan! -- Hopefully, following these simple steps will enable you to recover your penis. However, in the event that you still are unable to locate it there is another option. As a last resort you can purchase a used penis. Try asking a wizard. If you already killed them all, try ebay.
Remember, the best offense is a good defense. It is important to make sure that your penis is insured. There is no better proper protection than full coverage.
Good luck!
*click HERE for news story of lynching in the Congo related to wizardry charges
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Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Well that explains a couple of my ex-boyfriends then.
Seriously, are those folks in Florida onto something then?
Comment by Thoraiya Dyer
Demented World
Comment by Morgan Bell
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i love your creativity either way!
Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
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Small Thoughts on Big Questions
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Comment by Cheryl J
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Comment by Winston
Small Thoughts on Big Questions
People of the Congo, please leave each others' crotches as you find them!